There are quite a lot of things I am pretty bad at. Things like: mathematics, science, not pooping when I really need to poop, eating peppers, listening to country music without cringing, being nice to ex-boyfriends, and farting/queefing on command. Some people have those talents. I am part of the population that does not possess such qualities.
There are copious amounts of things I am mediocre at. Things like: school, putting up with people who smell like dick and candy, not sneezing when there are a lot of dust bunnies, Easter egg hunts, having a nice ass, and the pronunciation of the French language.
Amongst the many things that are so-so or completely lacking, I do have some pretty sweet 'gifts'. These would be: a good rack, lying my way out of crap, flawless logic and common sense (maybe I'm cocky...or maybe I'm a comic---either way, you're reading this blog so you have some sort of obsession with me, so...), awesome hair, sex, bitching, eating foie gras like a champ, my ability to be a black person when needed and most importantly...my Ebay skills.
Those who know me, and my stupid life, know that I can Ebay the shit out of shit. I have found things on Ebay that are so boss, they make the lamest of bitches want to suck on mah dick! In the past four years that I have been a faithful Ebay-er, I must have spent at least three grand on a bunch of crap that I, like... somewhat needed. However, even though I have spent a few pennies on that site, it has sincerely saved me so much bread.
This is a story about a pair of pink, Frye boots.
When I was nineteen, my sister Bunny introduced me to the epically, amazing craftsmanship of Frye boots. Their brand is one of the most well-made, American, leather shoe/boot brand I have ever come across. Whether you buy them vintage or brand-new, you will never regret purchasing them. I used to work at a shoe store, and though some of these boots would run from $250-$600 a pair, there is no doubt in my mind that these people went home and had sexual intercourse with their new pair of kicks. They are that special.
In my last year of teenager-dom, I was not rolling in enough dough to purchase any of these precious, leather temptresses at full price. TJ-Maxx and Marshall's had quite a few pairs in their possession, at the time, but they were at half-price and still too pricey for my thirsty wallet. I started saving up for a good pair, but this is when America decided to shit its pants and collapse its economy, but somehow justify raising food and gas prices. Which was really cool, I think. Therefore, my priorities had to lay with life's necessities. As much as I love boots, I could not give up eating cheese. And I needed to somehow get to the cheese in my possession and my mouth. That is where my car came in, which needed gas to run for me to purchase the fromage.
Just when I thought I was out of luck and going to be a boot-less tramp, I remembered how fucking scrumptious I was at Ebaying. I mean, I could play the DJ about my Ebay skills right now as I write this, but sometimes a bitch has to keep it real. So, I logged onto Ebay.com and searched 'frye boots size 7' and scrolled through countless options until I stumbled upon a pair of boots that made my butt cheeks tighten in ecstatic fright. They were everything I was looking for.
Knee-high, pale pink, 2 1/2 inch stacked-heel, pointed round-toe, fresh, stiff leather in my mother-fucking size. I nearly came at the site of the price. I had been saving up and had $200 just sitting in my debit card when I realized they were only $150. These were $400 retail. I jumped on the bid button like Lance Armstrong did to ball cancer awareness. Nobody else had bid on them and there was one day left. These were to be mine. No one was to get in my way. Nope. No one.
For the next few hours, I frequented their status to see if they were still to be mine. I was relentless.
Later that night, I logged onto Ebay to check the status of my beloved babies to find another had bid on them. EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?????? Who did this bitch think she was? Did they know who I was? There was no FUCKING way that I could let my children be adopted by someone who was not going to love them as much as I would. I imagined them in this person's small closet, collecting cobwebs and moths as they cried to be worn. I could not bear the thought of them being neglected and abused by someone who did not deserve their fierceness. So I did what any red-blooded, Ebay-ing machine would do.
I contacted the seller. Like a G6. Like a boss. Like nobody's business.
The 'lying-sack-of-shit, self-helping, munipulative e-mail' to said seller went something like this:
"To whom it may concern,
Let me first address to you how 'in love' I am with this particular pair of boots. What I am about to tell you in the complete, and utter, truth. I am only telling you this, not for personal gain, but for your safety and easy-Ebay experience as well.
About a month ago, I was selling a really, expensive, Tahari dress for X-amount of dollars. The other person who has bid on these boots also bid on this Tahari dress. I was so excited that someone had bid on it. She won it. I sent it to her. She was not happy because of a small thread being out of place. So she sent it back and I had to wire back her money. Two weeks later, I put the dress back up on ebay after sewing the mis-placed thread to which the same buyer bid on it again. I stated to her that I had sewn it and it was not perfect, but pretty unnoticeable, but still flawed nonetheless. I even wrote it in the description that this certain place was not perfect. She still bid and, once again, won it. I sent it with hesitation. She was unhappy and demanded that I wire her back TWICE the amount. To which I obviously said, "Hell no!" She then proceeded to open up a case against me on Ebay.
I cannot be more clear about the ridiculousness of the story I just retold to you. Again, in the description, I did describe that it had imperfections, she bought it anyway and proceeded to be a pain-in-my-ass about it TWICE. I sincerely advise that you refrain from selling your, what you describe as 'slightly used' Frye boots, to this questionable woman. She will only cause you anguish and frustration.
On a different note, I am willing to pay you $10 more than the bidding price if you end this sale and just sell them to me. I will be forever grateful and I will hopefully have saved you from having to deal with someone who seems to have escaped from the looney bin. Please get back to me whenever you can with an answer.
Thank you,
Danny"
A week later, I was literally humping my boots into oblivion. I spent hours in my room, trying on everything I owned that could go with these boots, which was uuuhhhh... EVERYTHING! They added color to the mundane pieces. They made my classy outfits look classier. They made my indie outfits look more indie. They made my summer dresses look like they were made to be worn in a saloon on Route 66. They made everything look like I should be in a Free People add. And I didn't hate it.
When I went out, the compliments rolled into like the a fat bitch in a bakery. With these boots, none of my outfits were ever a miss. The jealousy was tangible. And in those moments, the only thing that would make me hotter, is if I strolled in with Bradley Cooper on my arm. Which, in that case, I probably would not be venturing anywhere but my bedroom. I would still be wearing the boots though. That would be how I attracted him in the first place, no? That, and my ability to make the good sexy times...
So, a word to the wise: If you ever see 'TutuBellaLuna' has bid on something on Ebay--- don't be surprised if you don't win. If I want that shit badly enough, your measly bid is not going to get in my way. Your 'reserve on this item' means nothing to me and I shall shit upon your needs if they clash with mine. That's how I tend to roll. Like Pilsbury, bitch!
Happy bidding! ;-)
